you have to run. no matter what happens tonight, you have to run to get over him. you tell yourself that you’re too old to be playing obsessive love games or schoolgirl crushes. but this one’s different. it’s unexplainable but demonically scary. something has come over you, literally. you’ve had crushes in the past. Actually, they have been your only encounter when it comes to love relations. but that’s far from the truth and you know it. you don’t mention your first kiss at age 7 that scared you because it was full-on tongue action. and you don’t talk about the time you were molested by your favourite male cousin because that would be politically incorrect. it was only that one time and some things are better left unsaid.
so, you remember schoolgirl crushes like past loves. yes, you have experience in the love department when it comes to getting emotionally attached and obsessed to men who don’t know you and probably wouldn’t want you anyway. this is different. cliché, yes, but different. you’re 21 and emotionally interested in someone that dozens of people already love. you’re competing with the rest of his fans, but your biggest competition is his lover. but you have to run tonight. cold sweats enter your body at the very thought, you feel it and it hurts. you read his interviews, go on his twitter and see him profess his love for this person. mentally, you cut yourself as you watch his interviews and that one video that stabs the most, when he introduces her to the world at a concert. for you, that’s unbearable. and then that cold sweat enters your body again, like poison. but its not him that you really want, you allowed yourself to get this far. you want what he says he has. love. you yearn for love, you crave it naturally. but it’s unattainable for you, you can never reach that state of equilibrium no matter how much you want it. so you substitute this crush for your lack of what everyone else seems to have. you feel the coldness and it hurts. you’re lonely’s lunch and she loves to eat.
But tonight you have to run because there’s nothing else you can really do. So, you go outside and start running. And for a minute, it feels like you’re like running from nothing. Freedom. But like a snake, it creeps up on you, what you’re running from. It’s not the thought of this crush, but lonely coming back for more. The cold sweats seep inside and you start losing your breath. She starts eating you alive, first with your mind as it starts racing against your feet. But you keep at it, fighting against the wind. But then she starts eating at your heart and it starts pumping faster, you think it’s your asthma acting up so you start slowing down. But she keeps on eating and you start hyperventilating from running too fast. So you stop running. She has conquered the weakest part of your body. You become lonely’s lunch and this time, you accept it. This is who you are and you can’t change that right now. You take it slow and start walking. It’s quiet out here tonight and finally, you start feeling how much your heart hurts. You feel the pain as it sucks itself in and for the first time you realize how natural it is to feel this way. To want something as innate as love. But as much as you want it, it’s not something forced. It simply chooses you.
Yours truly, Your Future Self