Plants Life Daily, March 30, 2012—The past year has been one of unprecedented weather and climate extremes in Ottawa. Plants in the New Edinburgh region of Ottawa argue that it is a result of those four legged, furry, tail-waging creatures, but over in Kingsview Park, they believe that this strange weather is to blame on the Two Leggers that mow perfectly green Grass, prune healthy, thriving Bushes and frequently kidnap the prettiest Flowers. Patterns have emerged from the tracking and weather watching by Tress, Plants, Bushes and Flowers around the city, with other reports from the Birds of the nation, who have reportedly flown home earlier than usual. Not only did the Winter mildly and gently stroll in later than expected–literally on Christmas day, just in time for Santa and his red-nosed Reindeer–but the weather last week obliterated historical weather records with temperatures reaching 30 degrees Celsius, something unheard of for mid-March in Canada.
A Sizzlin’ Summer
The Summer of 2011 in the Capital brought much of the usual from June to September. Ottawa had its fair share of hot flashes, there were thunderstorms, and it rained cats and dogs, not literally, of course. The flora and fauna of the national capital region had an average, enjoyable, and survivable summer. One luscious, enormous tree from the Rideau River area reported an increase in the number of Two Leggers and their four legged companions waiting out storms under his branches in the month of August. Two Leggers were spotted picking and sniffing the delicate and fragrant purple lilacs from the Lilac Tree of the area, a common sight in July. Most of the flora in the area enjoy the TLC of Two Leggers. Henry Hedgerson is immensely pleased when his two legger, Mr. Scottson pulls out the rusty and sharp pruning sheers to trim his wily branches every August.
Fall rolled around, the Leaves turned from bright green to deep reds, oranges and yellows. They then began to fall slowly from Trees, floating down in a myriad of colours to become a crunchy blanket on the hardening ground. The temperatures dropped, and everyone waited in anticipation for the first snowfall, praying to survive another Winter. There were reports from the North Pole that Santa and the Reindeer were worried it would be a Green Christmas, which really puts a kink into the Christmas Crew’s plans. There was the occasional sprinkle of snow, enough for the Two Leggers to leave a trace of their footprints, but it never stayed. Snow bunnies reported that they were impatient for the ski season to begin.
What could be the cause of this mild, snowless Winter? Poisonous Pesticides? Furry Four Leggers? Or could it be the Two Leggers?
And then, just in time for Saint Nick to arrive, it came. The snow fell down in thick, sticky white clumps for so long and so fast, that it buried everyone but the tallest Trees and biggest Bushes. Throughout the winter, even though there were piles of snow, freezing rain fell nearly every week, resulting in slick and slippery streets and miserable plant life. It was one of the shortest, mildest winters the capital region has ever had.
Summer or Spring?
Mid-March obliterated weather records in Ottawa with temperatures reaching a scorching 30 degrees Celsius for a span of a few days. Birds were spotted flying and heard squawking overhead early in March. One tree, from Stanley Park, reported an increase in scantily clad Two Leggers roaming the park where he is rooted. Green Grasses and Bushy Bushes were soaking up the sun, absorbing as many nutrients as they could after an admittedly short winter.
The Summer heat didn’t stick around for long. Typical March weather returned, bringing clouds and cold nearer to the end of the month. The phrase in like a lion out like a lamb seemed to be reversed this Spring. Are Two Leggers to blame for this roller coaster Spring?
PlantsLife Daily decided to question a Four Legger for a chance at some answers. The furry, tail waging, tongue lolling, drooling, barking and wiggly Four Legger reported that this strange weather is a result of something called Wobal Glarming. No, wait, the correct term is Global Worming. Nope, that’s not it either. Warming. Global Warming. Carbon Dioxide Emissions from cars, aerosol cans, and other strange technology that Two Leggers use is being absorbed into the ozone and atmosphere, causing Earth’s temperature to rise continuously. If the Earth’s average temperature continues to increase, ice shelves and glaciers will melt, causing sea levels to rise, and other extreme weather scenarios and disasters will become more frequent.
Adaptation? Evolution? Survival of the Fittest?